Showing 2024 to the Door

 

Dear Henry,

Today is Christmas 2024, and I am so happy the baby is born and the new year is on its way. 

2024 has been one of the worst years ever.

Earlier this year,  we had to commit my mother to a nursing home for memory care. She has had dementia for quite a while and has been falling regularly for years, but this year, her condition has deteriorated to the point that we had no choice but to put her in memory care. 

It's been a terrible process and brought to the foreground all of the horrific dynamics that exist in my family. I'm disgusted with the lot, and because all the family skeletons are falling out of the closet, I am really, really angry.

I'm angry at my mother. Her lifelong abuse of prescription opiates, gabapentin, alprazolam, and alcohol has directly caused this outcome. I am angry that she is so weak. I am angry at the doctors who prescribed these drugs to her.

I'm also angry at my mother for what she has done to my middle sister, who spent her whole life being pampered by my mother as "special" and who now, at 49, has more addictions than my mother, is unable to support herself, has been living in my mother's house, rent free, for more than 10 years, with her husband, his kids from a previous marriage, her kids, one of her kid's partners, THEIR kid, and a whole bunch of dogs. The house is completely trashed, full of garbage, and has several bullet holes due to "guns discharged in anger."  I don't know how we can sell it to pay for my mother's care.

And I'm still angry at my mother for the abusive, neglectful, and highly sexualized environment that she brought us up in. I'm still angry about all the men she brought home, especially the ones who liked little girls. I'm absolutely furious about how hard it was to "get over" who I was raised to be and how much shame I still have because of all of this.

I'm also furious at my uncles and realize how much they have contributed to this situation. Uncle B has always told us to "be good to your mother" and insists that we regularly call her, even though "she's going to be mean." It's important to point out that if you know a parent is abusive and you remain on the side of the abusive parent (even if it is your sister), YOU ALSO BEAR RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ABUSE. 

Uncle D, though, is worse, and I have many more long-standing issues with this man.  you see, Uncle D was a social worker for the county I grew up in, and several times, when Mom was trying to "win an argument," she mentioned that my Uncle D had squashed child protective service investigations, stating that "her kids are just trying to get attention and hurt their mother."  Dealing with him during this fiasco made me realize how angry I still am about his interference, even though I don't believe that foster care would have been a better scenario. I have also noticed how hard he has worked to make my mother's children her enemy. Finally,  my Uncle D is directly responsible for preventing my youngest sister and me from putting my mother in memory care when her condition became serious and instead placed her in a retirement apartment. y mother ended up taking too many of her "prescriptions," fell, and spent nearly 24 hours laying in her own filth. But then, Uncle D always made poor choices. This man even bought my crazy mother a gun. 

I am angry about the amount of evil that has affected my life and still rules my family. Worse, despite years of being able to arm's length transactions with this madness, I allowed myself to be sucked right back into the maelstrom, so I'm pretty angry at myself. I learned long ago that these people and their gods can't be reasoned with, and because their definition of love is so warped, they don't recognize what real love looks like, so they won't allow any honest expression.

I've allowed this drama too much space in my life, and I realized that I have let the evil of my family interfere with mass attendance, prayers, and, ultimately, my relationship with God. Because that's how evil gets you. It prevents you from remaining at peace with God.

A small blessing has been my health complications. While you wouldn't think so, my health has meant I don't have the time or energy to deal with these clowns, and, most fortunately, I'm struggling with swelling in my left leg, which, given the venous damage I sustained in "the accident," means I can't fly, which means, I can't go back to Utah (most fortunate I think)

Two other terrible things happened this year, too, I lost both my cats (Slinky and Grace) to cancer, and I'm devastated, but I'm firmly in the same camp as St. Francis of Assisi and believe our pets go to heaven. Hopefully, I'll make it there too.

Christmas means a new season with new life and beginnings, and I'm looking forward to something different. This Christmas season will be spent "visiting the stable," so to speak, I need to get my faith back in order.

Merry Christmas, my friend, and may you have the most amazing new year.   I have big hopes for 2025.

xoxo a.d. elliott

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a.d. elliott is a wanderer, photographer, and storyteller living in Salem, Virginia. 

In addition to the travel writings at www.takethebackroads.com, you can also read her book reviews at www.riteoffancy.com and US military biographies at www.everydaypatriot.com

Her online photography gallery can be found at shop.takethebackroads.com

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